My intention was to have something in between silly tarot readings where I do my weekly injection and play wizard for a bit while listening to a vinyl record, but it hasn’t been my week. My intention has been to take my camera out someplace to photograph something I enjoy in the greater Cleveland metro area, or record some video game play footage mostly as an excuse to practice trans voice training I’ll probably never take seriously because I’m grumpy I never quite picked up on “how to man” and am somewhat resentful my neurodivergence will probably make it equally challenging to “learn how to woman”. Anyway, since just last week I vaguely plumbed the depths of my past and boldly aspired to a future I’m going to go with a Body, Mind, and Spirit three-card read today?

Body: Death

Well there’s a major arcana and it’s Death for “Body”. That’s fun! Given that this deck is primarily a tool for storytelling in the World of Darkness, there’s a tendency toward the cards really kind of focusing on building you up instead of breaking you down when taken in aggregate, though. Because of that, one of the meanings is “transformation” which also may indicate that White Wolf, on some level, knew their audience.

While it is absolutely true that my body has changed and “transformed” over the past five years of HRT and I’m just now, for the first time in my life, recognizing myself in my own corporeal form, I’m also trying to get back into the habit of being physically active. I’ve never been what I would call an athlete, but I’ve frequently commuted by walking or biking and I think the process of having lost that habit has affected my relationship with my body in a way that transcends physical health. I’ve been going for more frequent walks despite the heat when it’s not so hot it’s actually dangerous, and I think I’m feeling better for it. A bonus effect has been more opportunities to learn about how my body has changed and explore those differences.

Mind: Two of Primordialism (Cups)

The meaning here is said to be reflection and love, with language that seems to imply romantic or at the very least sexual love. My partner has absolutely been there for me through all this and we have recently renewed our relationship by really communicating with each other that has genuinely brought some very refreshing “new relationship energy” to a couple that has been together for nearly ten years now. I think that deserves to be acknowledged, but I think there’s more here that just that. The association with symbiosis makes me want to compare my chosen family with my bio family.

My therapy appointment this week was half conversation and half grounding exercises after I broke down crying. The topic was the lowercase-t trauma I have associated with my parents and having gotten so much from them while missing the thing I’ve only ever gotten from my chosen family: recognition of who and what I am, seeing me for myself, a unique but flawed being who deserves to exist in the world–something less than understanding but more than polite acknowledgement of my struggles and my journey. I’ve been pretty deregulated in the couple days since and I just want to make sure I acknowledge that I think there’s more pain there than even I have recognized.

Spirit: Page of Primordialism (Cups) [Reversed]

Well that’s a bleak look at my spiritual growth. Reversed she means deception, obstacle, or inaction. Genuinely, though, I can see how each of these has somehow touched my spiritual self. Perhaps ironically, the Christian cult I grew up in held all forms of esoteric spiritual practice in extremely poor regard. They were all considered tools “evil spirits” would use to deceive the practitioner, pulling them away from god. As I’ve mentioned previously, I kind of got where I am now by taking a stroll through Chaos Magic, and while I’m not particularly fond of Peter J. Carroll’s work as a whole, I am fond of the idea that belief is a tool.

I’m not taking this very tarot reading seriously beyond using it as a fun way to process my feelings about the past week–it is a tool, with a specific domain that I’ve set with my intentions when I shuffled, cut, and drew three cards from the deck. I think that has value, but I also think there’s deception on either side: where I came from denying it has any value whatsoever, and where I was once afraid it would inevitably go because of where I was coming from where it’s given more meaning and power than it can possibly fulfill to the point it becomes dangerous.

Perhaps all that has put me in a place where I’m not as bold as I perhaps could or should be, an obstacle, leading to inaction. I do have some books on spirituality and ritual that are specifically on top of my TBR pile, but it hasn’t been the best week for me and the kind of focus it takes to go down a new (to me) path. Hopefully I can get around to reading them sometime soon as I’d love to “discuss” them here.